Moving On vs Changes

After a death who moves on? Or who accommodates the changes? Pat's Mom died on April 13. A month later his Dad is ordering meals for 2, I'm not sure of the timing but On Aug. 26th Pat's Dad took us out to dinner to tell us he is dating, Ginger a woman that Dad has known over 25 years. The past at least 3 years she drove a car around the Grand Canyon when Pat, his Dad and brother have hiked rim to rim. I know that Dad really had been alone for a lot of the time in the past years with Mom not feeling good.And I know that he's a grown man can decide when he is ready for a new life partner. Today was the first family party with Ginger there. I tried to be polite but it was so hard. My heart just felt so broken. And I had to divert my eyes from watching them. He had his hand draped on her knee. So there is familiarity enough to be comfortable touching her in front of all of us. If I was a betting person I would bet by the end of the year, 2012 they will be living together or getting married. I. do. not.like. changes.at.all. I'm going to need some serious therapy. And so will my girls. 

First week of school and other ramblings

Sarah started her sophomore year. She has 3 tough honors classes. I'm worried about the amount of work it's going to be for her. She is a social girl and would really rather do anything than homework.  Football season and therefore marching band season starts next week. The band has been practicing for the last 3 weeks.

Rachel started middle school! She quickly figured out having 6 different teachers is not so fun. Hopefully once she gets to understand what they all want from her, she'll do OK. She also started an Ariel class, she's had 2 classes. She loved the first week although she was quite sore for days after. This week she didn't want to go. I'm not sure if it was just a it's that time of the month thing, or nerves. But she went she said it felt like her arms feel out of her sockets. But was quite excited about class afterwards.

I haven't been feeling all that wonderful again lately, headaches, stomach issues, itchy ears. Really just plan gross. I had blood work done yesterday and my numbers looked fine, PA will go over them with me on Thursday. I saw my Neurologist yesterday too he was really worried about me. He is sending me to a urologist, to see a pain clinic doctor and to have a back MRI. I don't have the MRI scheduled yet, but I do have the other 3 appointments next week. I hate not feeling well, and I hate all the testing, and all the doctor visits and the heat! I really hate the heat most of all! If it wasn't so freaking hot outside maybe I wouldn't mind the rest! The Neurologist talked to my PA yesterday because he was quite concerned about me. The PA  office called to check up on me today, and was told to go to the ER if I felt worse this weekend. I hope it doesn't come to that!

sleep again

So the night I posted of my sleeping issues I slept the whole night! For a whole week I slept great. Until I mentioned to Pat how great it was to sleep at night, on Saturday. For the past 2 nights I have not slept at night. Saturday it felt like I drank diet coke all night and the caffeine was keeping me awake. Last night I fell asleep a little after 10 PM but woke up at 12 AM and couldn't fall back to sleep,sigh. I am so freaking tired today.

Sleep?

I have a major sleeping problem. It makes me wonder if my sleeping pills work any more. I have had a very hard time falling asleep every night this week except last night. But I think by last night I was so tired I feel asleep because I was so exhausted. Last week I couldn't fall asleep until 3 am, this week, 7 am or later, which is really the next day. Then I sleep till 3 pm, which seems like I am wasting my whole day. But I can't not sleep, I'd be a zombie. I have even tried taking double the sleeping pill, extra pain meds (they make me tired). Not really anything stressing on my mind, I just never feel tired. I hope it's just not something that's going to continue.

Fifty Shades

Last night I finished the trilogy. I read somewhere it's the housewives version on Star Wars. I'm not sure why. The story is much deeper than that! Even though I cried at the end of the 3rd episode of Star Wars when Padme died. I cried at the end of Fifty Shades too. The story was good, Christian's life was messed up, and how he changed because of his love and her love of Ana. I have to admit I didn't know what some of the things were in the contract. I had to ask Pat. Who, knew he knew what those things are? And some of the things they did, I didn't understand, nor be able to do. Ana was flexible and young, that's my case anyway. If you can get over all those sexual things in the book, it was a very good read.  I've seen some pictures of what others thought Christian Grey looks like, and I have to say even those guys are good looking not what I have pictured in my mind. They don't seem strong enough or dark enough.

Really

I just haven't felt like blogging. I often think about it but just don't. I'm not sure why, because I sure wish I did so I could remember what we've been doing, and be able to look back at it. My MIL's death has really hit my hard. The first week I had some major stomach issues. Then several weeks of just wanting to sleep all the time, and having no energy. School ended and summer started and I still just wanted to sleep all the time. I feel sad about not doing stuff with Rachel. Sarah entertains herself by going to a friend's house or having a friend over everyday it seems, she does not like down time at all. Rachel does like to stay up all night and sleep during the day, which lets me stay in bed all morning too. I just feel like I am wasting the days away. Pat and I celebrated our 20th anniversary with Aunt Celestine. We flew to Oakland, CA on June 18th, and came home on the 23rd. It was a perfect vacation. We saw lots of things but had lots of down time too, which was really relaxing. I liked the cool weather but I wouldn't want to live there. It just seemed bizarre to wear a sweater in the summer. When we were walking around downtown San Fransisco there were several woman dressed with tights and boots. That just seemed weird. And of course Pat had his winter coat or a flannel shirt on and jeans everyday. Where's the sandles and shorts? Really the cool weather was amazing to feel, the 110+ temps. in Phoenix I can do without too. I probably would find something wrong no matter we I lived, not that we would ever move. But this oppressive heat it really getting to me. I have a huge headache today. I'm guessing the weather is changing. Ha! Really the monsoon should be starting. There has already been a lot of wind. I am not looking forward to the humidity it will bring. Then it will be hot and sticky out. I hate going outside. If I ever move into a different house I will make sure the laundry room is inside the house. Having to go outside to do laundry is horrid. Who ever designed this house did not spend a summer here!

Changes

I am not going to feel bad that although I wanted to post at least 2 times a week. Life got in the way. Since it's been a month since I posted I'll share why. The first weeks I was getting all my doctor appointments done for 3 months at least anyway. I then packed by bags and cooked up some meals ahead, and stayed with my Mother-in-law for 16 days and 15 nights. Father-in-law was in Paris for business and extended his stay to sight see. MIL has stage 4 liver cancer. I took her to her appointments. On the first one I got a speeding ticket :( Just found out that today. I was driving 62 in a 50 zone. The ticket it for $219. The worst part was we were almost to were we were to be and I got caught. That was on March 28. Which led to appointments on March 30th and 31st. On April 3 Pat drove. MIL's and her other 2 children and me to the last appointment. The doctor told us there was nothing more they could do. I had a strong feeling he was going to say this from what he didn't say on the 30th. I helped her get a wheel chair and took her to get her hair done. It was hard for me to hear her tell Angie (the hairdresser) this would be the last time she would see her. There was nothing I wouldn't to to help MIL. I did somethings I really shouldn't have been able to do. But God gave me the strength to do it. FIL came home the evening of Saturday, April 7th. The next day was Easter. We celebrated all a whole family minus Joseph who could not get off work. MIL tired fast. I went over to my in-laws house on Monday. I arranged for hospice care. She was in so much pain, it broke my heart. Tuesday the hospice care administer came. Wednesday the hospice nurse came and so did the doctor. They started her on morphine and stress medicine, then the doctor ordered steroids, O2, and a breathing treatment machine. MIL let me help her take a shower. Thursday it was hard to get her up. After she tried to walk for 20 minutes with the walker and only took 2 tiny baby steps, I asked her if I could please get the wheel chair for her. I wheeled her out to the nurse, and she sat in her chair for a bit. She was up for only 2 hours. I made her a strawberry smoothy, took a few sips and ate 4 bites by spoon. Drank 3 sips of coffee, before laying down. She slept all afternoon and evening. We had a party for Pat's birthday which was on Wednesday and Aunt Kate who's birthday was Friday. Mom slept and was in pain. Friday when I got to my in-laws, Mom was in a lot of pain. The nurse had just gotten there and agreed with me. I gave Mom her morphine. which relaxed her. The nurse had to straight cath. Mom since it had been over 24 hours with out peeing. A lot came out. The nurse had to go to the office to get a folly to put in. While she was gone. The Aide came and I helped her bathe Mom. She was in a lot of pain. I gave her more morphine and gave her a breathing treatment. The nurse came back and after looking at Mom's feet she called me over to show me the purple colorization started on Mom's toes, then we looked at her knees same thing. I had noticed the knees when we were bathing her. The nurse asked me if I knew what that meant. No, so she told me Mom is actively dying, come on we need to tell the guys. It was very hard sitting in the group knowing and waiting for everyone to sit down. I went right away to sit with Mom, Mark came in a few minutes later he after he started calling Pat and Mary. Mark and I cried over Mom and prayed. I had to keep trying to get Pat. I finally got through and told him to come now. I called his Fry's to let them know he wouldn't be in. In a little while I sent Charlie to pick up Sarah and Rachel., and Marlene went to get Joseph. Ryan was able to make it. All the children and grandchildren, Father-in-law, Mom's 2 sisters and a brother-in-law were with her as she took her last breath on earth and first breath in heaven at 9:35PM. I felt lead to pray over the body. And in order of how long we knew Mom we said our good-bys. Aunt Rose and Aunt Kate were first followed by Father-in-law. Pat and our family was next since Pat is the oldest child. Mary and her family next, and Mark and his family last. Mom was born on her oldest brother's birthday and died on her youngest sister's birthday.

Have a penny pick it up...

all day long you'll have good luck. Remember that as a kid? and if it's heads up is better? Today I found a penny (heads up) on the gym locker room floor. I wasn't sure what to pray for. OK, that in itself convicted me that I should be praying more. The list of concerns is great. The first thought I had was I hope the creepy old man (he's 85 years old and thinks he is in love with me) is not there. I knew his truck was in the parking lot, but I was hoping he was just in the locker room changing and I wouldn't see him today. He drives me a little crazy with his "love". God did answer that prayer and I didn't have to deal with him today. Lots of other things went though my head after I got that first one out of the way. I spent my workout time in prayer today. Thankful for that penny. I didn't take it when I left but moved it into a locker hopefully it will bless someone else today in some way.

Hair, Kidney and Chemo

Today was my hair appointment. I asked them to take it off. It hurt a lot. The front of my head is really hurting. It is red and raw. I asked Pat to go with me for support. They did give me adhesives so if I want to reapply it like for an evening out or whatever I could. The hair is mine. It just won't be stuck to my head 24x7. I won't be trying that until my head heals. I am so disappointed in this whole thing. I won't have to go back unless I want to and then it would be $95 each time I go in. I doubt I will ever go back. I saw mt kidney doctor yesterday and my left kidney that was only working at 30% 9 months ago is working now at 84%. The doctor was really pleased, and I won't have to see him for a year. The only bad part about the visit was my potassium and magnesium are low. I already was taking potassium now I have to take more, and I have to take magnesium too. More drugs. UGH. Pat and I were talking about this on the way to the hair place how frustrated I feel to have to take more and more pills each day. If I didn't have one thing wrong with me, which led to blood work and CT scans and MRI's I would never know I have all these things wrong with me. Which I guess is good. But still I take a large handful of drugs in the morning and a little smaller handful at night. I don't think Pat has had any type of blood work, or CT, MRI's, or even an X-ray in the almost 20 years we have been married. Not that I want him to be sick, because really I don't but it would be OK, with me if he had one prescription drug he could take with me! My Mother-in-Law started her cancer treatments yesterday. The pill that has a lot of side affects and chemo. She sounded pretty chipper last night and so far was feeling good. Hopefully she'll have a high tolerance for the chemo and not get sick.

Very, Very, Very Dissappointed

Way back in January, the 9th to be exact. Pat went with me to a place called The Hair Club. I have been more and more frustrated in my hair or lack of for 14 years. Over the past 6 months it has gotten worse. I wanted to try something to restore my hair or pieces added to my hair to cover up the bald spots. Because I don't have the right root system or enough hair that a hair transplant would not work for me. They showed us a hair system that would be added to my natural hair and cover up the balding areas. It took weeks for my new hair to come in. Last Tuesday I went and had it put on, It is one piece that sits on top of my head, and it was glued on, with some adhesives to secure it down. I loved it, Pat loved it, the kids mostly loved it. I think it was just hard for them to see their Mama with hair. The next day I went back to The Hair Club for them to check everything. That's when I get hit with $353 a month to keep the hair looking good all the time. The hair falls out of the hair piece and will need replaced every 3-4 months if I am careful. They never told us that. What they did tell us is every 4-6 weeks I would have to go to have it worked on. For $95 dollars each visit I (we) just assumed that they would add pieces to keep it looking good. We had no idea that the whole head of hair would need replaced. We could but another head piece when we need it for $1500 each time or join their program for $353 a month which would include the 4-6 week visits, 4 heads of hair, 4 chemical enhancements. But of course does not cover the hair products you have to use, which would be over $100 a month. I have been so upset. I just feel ripped off. I just want to feel better about myself. And not feel embarrassed all the time. I can't tell you how many people have asked my if I have cancer, it is so horrible. There is no way we could pay $353 a month well really more like $453 on hair, and even if we could I don't think I could live with myself with such a high amount just for my vanity. I have to go back on Wednesday and I asked Pat to come with me, I want the hair off my head I don't want any damage to my real hair. Pat and I ordered a wig which I am going to try. Wigs last about 3-6 months depending how often you wear it. Buying a wig or 2 every 6 months is way cheaper than this Hair Club mess we got ourselves into. I just want to cry,

March forward!

It's hard to believe today is the 61st day of 2012. Feels like a blink of an eye. Back on December when I was blogging about Christmas memories, I had looked for a scrapbook I gave to Pat early in our marriage. In it I had recorded how we had spent all our anniversaries and Christmas's all the years we have been married. I had kept it up until year 9. I couldn't find it. Pat finally located it about a week ago. Since then I have been been searching old diaries, the blog, and cards to figure out how we have spent our anniversaries and Christmas's. I found the answers to everything except, Christmas 2001 and our 16th and 17th anniversaries. I do think one of those anniversaries we celebrated at dinner at The Melting Pot, but I don't know which year and if we did anything else. That was just a few years ago. How can I (OK we, cause I asked Pat too) not remember. It got me thinking how sad it was that I can't remember these "big" days. What about all those little things that happen everyday. How many memories am I going to wish I could remember to tell the kids and my grandchildren someday? Awhile ago I was thinking, "Wow I really don't blog much any more", and I haven't kept a diary for 6 years. At that time I justified that the kids are not little any more and they don't say or do the cute little stuff any more, so there really isn't anything to blog. Well, what about just the ordinary? Aren't those things worth remembering? I think so. I am going to try my hardest to blog at least 2 times a week. Because my memory won't be around forever, but hopefully written words on a blog on the WWB will be.

It's been awhile :(

I think about posting often, but I don't I wish my kids were younger and said or did cleaver things for me to post about. Now they don't want me to blog about them at all :( Which may not always keep me from blogging about them I am after all their Mom and I love them and have the right to brag or complain about them! Sarah celebrated her 15th birthday by having her first boy/girls party. They were nice kids,, but I didn't like the boy who had his arms around my daughter. Rachel had her 12th birthday party a few days later. Hello Kitty. Those 7 12 year olds were loud all night long! Tomorrow will be Valentine's Day, but my Valentine has to take me out tonight, because Rachel will be the only one home tomorrow night if we go out. We are going to go bowling I hope it's fun! Added to say after our date- it is really hard to go bowling during the week after 5 PM, finally at the 3rd bowling alley we tried we were able to bowl 2 games :) It was so much fun! I am so glad I remembered to take extra pain medicine or it wouldn't have been as much fun. After we bowled we went to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. It's been a long time since we've been there. Stuffed mushrooms there are totally yummy, and the French Salad was sooo good. The turtle cheese didn't let me down either! Very fun night!!!!

Sickness

My Mother-in-law has been dignosed with liver cancer. Pat and I met with her last night to hear what the doctor's are going to do for treatment. She will probably have chemo, surgery is not an option for her, the doctor she saw at the Mayo clinic was not a cancer doctor I'm guessing he is a liver type doctor. He is trying to get her in to see a cancer doctor this week or beginning of next week before the chemo treatments start. The cancer is in both the left and right part of her liver. She appears symptom free right now. There is no cure for liver cancer. She seemed pretty upbeat last night. Rachel woke this morning with pink eye. She has been fighting cold like symptoms for about a week. I took her to The Little Clinic and n0t only does she have pink eye, she has a double ear infection. My throat has been hurting all day, along with a headache.

girls' favorite traditions

I think I need to wait till they are older to ask them. Right now they said the decorating the shirts. One tradition Joey had that I forgot to mention is that we gave each child their own nativity set with manager on their 4th Christmas. Joey totally remembers getting his, and he loved it. We wrote what he said when we gave it to him and for the next few years when we got it out of the box, but sadly the box got ruined.

Pat's Traditiions

Pat loves that we read the Christmas story before opening gifts. To keep our hearts in the right attitude of receiving. He would also hate if we didn't read it together any more. Going to midnight mass and opening gifts afterwards is his favorite memory of growing up, being a night person he loved it. I don't even remember talking to one another about how when we would open gifts, when we got married, this is how it all started. The Christmas before we were engaged we spent the morning at my sister's house and I gave him his gifts. Then we went to his parents house and didn't open gifts until really late in the day. Pat didn't even have my gifts wrapped yet. I thought that really sucked it seemed like waiting till Christmas was almost over to open gifts, not that Christmas is about opening gifts, but.... and we had to open gifts with a knife to not ruin the paper so it could be re-used. Come on. My Dad was Scottish and not that tight wadded. The next Christmas I think they celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve. But I was at work. I know Pat and I exchanged gifts in the morning. I remember being at my in-laws house on Christmas for brunch or something , but then my sister picked me up to go to her house, and I was starving, because there wasn't any food to eat for hours and I was pregnant and too scared to ask for anything to eat. Pat must have had to go to work and met me at my sister's. Joey's first Christmas, they (in-laws) celebrated Christmas Eve during the day again, only I was at work. We had our own Christmas together in the morning and were at his parents house for dinner. At some point Christmas came traditions with our families became what they are now. My sister and I alternating Christmas brunch. and alternated between Pat's parents, brother's and our house for to exchange gifts and dinner. Christmas Eve we clean and cook for the next day then usually attend church, sometimes it's just been me and the kids. A quick light dinner, and reading Twas the Night Before Christmas.

Joseph's favorite traditions

The first thing he said was opening gifts on Christmas morning. But I think that was because Sarah was just begging to open just 1 gift today. Hello sister we don't open gifts 1 week before Christmas, unless they are from your secret sister and your the Mom and can't wait! Or your the Mom and anybody gives her a gift! LOL Another favorite tradition Joseph would miss if we didn't do is, reading the Christmas story before opening any gifts on Christmas morning. We have read a story book form of the real Christmas story since Joey was a baby. Maybe some year we will read it from our bibles, but I kinda doubt that will fly yet, since all the kids like there turn at reading a page and passing the book to the next person. A tradition he would like to do when he has a family of his own is for everyone in the family has the same t-shirt that they wear on Christmas morning, and everyone gets to design their shirt how ever they want. Last year I tried to simplify this by ironing on Christmas patches. Everyone was mad at me. So this year we are back to decorating our own t-shirts. Everyone has theirs done, except Joseph!

IT"S ALMOST CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!

One week away till Christmas Eve or 7 days, which sounds closer? I'm a 7 day person. I can't wait for Christmas. I've always been that way. I was the little girl who spent the night with a clock under her bed counting minutes all night long till 4 AM, when I though for sure was time to get up. Mostly myself and my little brother would go in to our parents room and ask if we could go down stairs yet. They would try to get us to go back to bed for another hour. 15 minutes later we were back in our parents room asking again can we go down stairs yet? Even past 3rd grade when I learned at school there was no Santa, I still couldn't sleep on Christmas Eve. I didn't really care who put the gifts under the tree, only that there were gifts under the tree for me! My Dad was an only child and his Mom was a single mom, times were tough for my Dad growing up. Dad loved to spoiled us at Christmas because of that hardship. My Mom grew up in a big Italian home with lots of siblings and half siblings. They celebrated Christmas the best was the knew how, being together and lots of food! This is Pat and mine 20th Christmas together, the first being when were first started dating. I never would have thought the next year I would be 5 months pregnant with our 1st child. Now that we have 3 children and they are getting older, I wonder what their special memories are of some of the traditions we started, I think this week I will interview Pat and the kids on their favorite traditions and blog about it, and who knows if I get them to cooperate, I may even scrapbook it too. What do you think is this a silly thing to do? What's your favorite tradition as a child or parent?

Putting It All Together- part 2

This post will not be nearly as long as the last one, even though it covers more days, most of them are the same, painful days. When I got home I thought it would be so wonderful to be in my own bed. Only it really hurt to get myself on the bed, and situated some what comfortably. I mostly had to have someone help me, and go really slow. I spent my days either siting in a recliner or in bed. Moving between the two with the walker. On, Sunday a home health nurse came to see me, she didn't do much. On Thursday I saw my neurologist for more pain meds. The painful back spasms that started in the hospital have not stopped yet. They are not all consuming, but they caught me off guard since I never knew when one would start, or how long it would last. The days were long and boring. I'm glad we had Baby to keep me company. I couldn't cook dinner on my own, I could sit at the table with a pillow behind me and do the prep stuff, but usually Joseph did the cooking, or taking in and out of the oven part. My neurologist suggested the Laser Spine Institute to me. I had to have blood work done for approval for them to see me. Because of that blood work it was discovered that I am diabetic. At first the doctor wanted to try just changing my diet to see if the blood sugar numbers would go down. Met with the doctors at Laser Spine Institute and they decide I'm not a candidate for their type of surgery. Basically the only thing that can help control my pain is pain meds. The rest of the school year flies by, before it ends, I have my blood work re-checked. My blood sugar numbers are worse then they were 3 months ago. Time to start medication for diabetes. My cholesterol number is really high now too. Added medication for that too. Sarah had her 8th grade promotion and Joseph graduated high school, but have gotten workman's compensation to pay any of my medical bills yet? No. I have not had any income since January, Pat is working 6 days a week, to make up for this drastic change in our income, or mine lack of. In June I had my hernia repaired which has been an ordeal all in it self. Finally in July I start receiving social security again. For myself and the girls, now that Joseph is 18 I don't get anything for him. In August I figure out that workman's comp has denied my claim. I never got the denial letter in March! I have to file an appeal. Which drags everything even longer. Hearing was set for November, deposition in October. I met with a para legal who helped me by getting a hold of the worker comp rep who told her my case was compressible. I also get a letter from my neurologist who confirms that my back was not broken on Oct. 2010 when I last had an MRI, and clearly the fall in January caused the fracture. The deposition was horrible the lawyer wanted to know my whole life medical history. Near the end I started to cry. I just want the stupid medical bills paid. About a week goes by and he calls with a deal that workers comp will pay my bills and anything I have paid out of pocket. The hearing is canceled, thank goodness I so did not want to have to go to court. At the same time this is all happening Social Security decides that they would like the money they paid me while I was working and earning more than $1000 a month. Amazingly, someone who used to work for Social Security had just visited my bible study group and I was talking to someone else about the whole thing and she overheard, she suggested that I offer to pay a little each month, they usually agree to that and I won't have to get a line of credit or loan to pay them back. Pat went with me when we met my case worker. I offered to pay $50 a month and she agreed that would be fair, she had a copy of all our monthly bills so she knew how little money we have. Thank goodness that was over and settled fast. Thank God that woman came to bible study and got involved in the conversation. Back to workman's comp. The lawyer does write out a settlement in the middle of November. Which I have to agree with and have notarized. Then it went to the judge, and the judge approved it, and I get another letter from the lawyer agreeing with the judge I approve the settlement, and once again have to have notarized. Now it's December 18th and I am still getting bill collectors calls. Worker's comp should be paying off all those bills soon. And the around $500 Pat paid out on some of the bills will be reimbursed to us, by those places we paid. I can't believe it's been almost a year. The cold weather seems to affect the pain in my back. It hurts more now that it was. I also have to not do too much in the same day or I'm in loads of pain. Walking long distances and standing for a long time really hurt too. Pat is still working 6 days a week. We are still paying catch up on a lot of bills. I also had to apply for long term disability from the state, and they just started paying me $50. Which isn't a lot, but that is exactly the $50 we cut my social security. Thank you God for that blessing too!

Putting It All Together- a journey from January 4, 2011

January 4, 2011, I was working at a local elementary school and I took 2 students to lunch at 11:40 AM. One was a new student and one I had been working with for a semester already. Lunch did not go well, the new student is a six year old with multiple handicaps, He was not use to eating in a large cafeteria with many students. He could not feed himself, and what I did manage to put into his mouth he ate like an animal. He had raisins in his lunch I thought if I gave him a few at a time, like feeding a toddler he would be able to fed himself. He grabbed all that a put down and shoved them towards his mouth. More fell onto the floor and surrounding area than anywhere else. The other student that was with me was mad at me for giving all my attention to the other guy. When I was helping the second student I'll call C, the new student (K) grabbed at his messy noodles in some weird sauce and made a huge mess and I mean huge! It was unbelievable that I got him and the area cleaned up to go out side for recess. At 12:10 PM, as we were walking outside a teacher offered to assist me on the playground. After our wonderful lunch, I gladly said "yes". C had been swinging on the special "red" swing everyday during recess, prior to this day, he knew that's what he wanted to do. The new student would not do anything, and we (the teacher and I) were concerned that he might run away from us or throw sand. We moved C from the swing and K was very happy on the swing. C of course was upset. I felt badly for him. Beside the red swing is a regular child's swing. I first thought C might sit on my lap to swing, he is unable to use a regular child's swing developmentally. As soon as I sat down I knew that was a very bad idea. As I was steadying C on the soft turf and I was standing, I lost my balance because of the design of the soft turf ending and sand beginning design of the playground. I probably would not have fallen, but there was a student laying in the sand under the swings. I fell backwards onto my back because of his leg sticking out. I was in pain instantly. The teacher that was with me sees me in the sand and asks "am I OK?", "No" I respond. She asks if we need to call 911. Without giving it any thought I responded "YES!" I in the worst pain I have ever felt in my life, and I've had my share of painful things. The whole time I am on the sand the little boy is saying over and over, "I'm sorry my leg was there, I'm so sorry", did I mention he kept saying it over and over again. It was breaking my heart. I wanted to get up and tell him it's OK, I'll be alright, but I couldn't move to do that and it really hurt me not to be able to. The time 12:15 PM. I tried rolling onto my side trying to get relief from the pain. I'm not sure how much time it took for the paramedics to get there, it seemed like an eternity, with staff and students looking on. Luckily, the principal acted quickly and had the students return to their classrooms. When the paramedics got there, they rolled me on my back, ow, please don't touch me, but help me is all I'm thinking. They attempted several times to start an IV, so they can give me something for the pain. After failing to start one they shoved the needle with morfine in my arm, it didn't seem to help at all. They strap me on the gurney and start rolling towards the ambulance. I thought I was going to fall. One of the paramedics noticed I was uneasy said "you have a thousand straps holding you, your not going anywhere". I doubt it was a thousand! In the ambulance before we started going anywhere they wanted to get an IV going. After a few more attempts they got a poor one, but they got one. On the way to the hospital they had to give me oxygen because I wasn't breathing normally, a usual side affect they said of the pain medication. Time just seems to blurr quite a bit from this point on, I remember, my husband finally getting to the hospital, I remember someone wanting to cut my pants off, talking to a doctor, having a CT scan, 2 co-workers bringing me my purse and car keys, my in-laws stopping by for a few minutes, learning I was going to be admitted to the hospital, getting into the room at 11 PM. But really those 11 hours went by really fast, I really must have been drugged. I do not remember when they told me I had a compression fracture. The next day I had an MRI, and met with lots of different doctors. One wanted to fit me for a plastic brace, one wanted to put cement in my back with big needles, one was concerned that my blood levels were too high. I just did what they all wanted me to do, so I have this plastic binder that I brought home from the hospital that I have never worn, and don't even know how to put it on. I managed to get my blood levels normal enough to have a cement procedure. Two things that doctor didn't tell me is that I would be laying on my stomach while he did this, and I would be awake. I still would have done it, because he said that afterwards I would be pain free immediately, Sounded amazingly wonderful to me. He didn't tell me when I would have it done it either, he would just come get me when there was time, either Thursday afternoon, or Friday morning. Seems like I barely agreed to it, and he comes and takes me to the basement for the procedure. It seemed kinda scary going down to the basement, even though it was brightly lite, it was the basement, scary things happen in basements, I don't know why I had things like Frankenstein and weird labs were going through my head. It was very painful when the doctor is hammering into my back, maybe if I was wearing earplugs it wouldn't have seemed so bad, because then I couldn't hear what he was doing, I think I should suggest that to him. With each whack I just squeezed my eyes as tight as a could, at some point I thought "why are you not done yet"? The whole thing took less than an hour, but let me just say that when someone it whacking holes in your back, and sticking huge needles in those holes it seems a lot, a lot longer! That evening one of my co-workers brought me some beautiful flowers and visited with me for a long time. I was thinking any time now the pain will be gone. Not that night. Friday morning I woke up having horrible back spasms. Not pain free yet? Friday afternoon C's mom came to visit me. She was so glad I was OK, she felt horrible that I fell. He son had nothing to do with it. Yes, I helped him steady himself, which caused me to loose my balance, but really if the playground was design was better, and the other little boy wasn't laying under the swings, I probably wouldn't have fallen. I did learn that, I had not done such a wonderful job steadying C, because he also fell, but in an apposite direction of me. He was left bruised, down his leg. I felt terrible, I really cared about C a lot. Anyway back to no pain relief all day Friday, saw the doctor who did the procedure who said sometimes it takes a few days to get better. No! That's not what you lead me to believe before? Saturday morning they wanted to discharge me from the hospital, but I had to be able to walk 50 yards first. PT ordered a walker for me to use, and helped me get steady with it and walk the hallway. It took forever to walk 25 feet, the 25 feet back to my room didn't seems as far? My theory on that it for the first 25 feet, I had not idea where the stopping point was, all I see it a long hallway, and the not knowing when I could turn around made it seem much longer. The way back I felt a little bit more confident and I had the end in sight. Amazingly I showered on my own, for the first time in 4 days, and was dressing when my kids came to get me from the hospital. Coming up soon: recovery at home.

insurance, social security and hernia

It's been a rough day. I had to go do a deposition for the lawyer representing DVUSD. I was already emotional before I started because I do not like driving in unknown places looking for a building I've never been in before, and parking in a parking garage not knowing where the building is from were I parked, and hoping I'll be able to find my car again. I ended up being 15 minutes late :( I hated talking about all my medical issues with the lawyer, I fell at work it should not matter what else is wrong with me, or has been wrong with me since birth. I just feel like this whole thing is a joke from the insurance company (i.c.). I left crying. I'm sure they won't settle and I'll end up in court on November 2nd. The biggest issue seems to be that I never got the denial letter dated March 9th. I had been in contact with the insurance carrier all summer and when I finally learned I needed to appeal the denial is when the i.c. sent me a copy of the denial, some how I will have to convince the judge I did not receive the first notice. That is why I appealed later than 30 days. The claim should not have been denied in the first place and the i.c. told the lawyer I had this information on the phone. I told the lawyer this information this morning and showed him where she (my lawyer) wrote what the i.c. told her on my papers. The DVUSD lawyer is going to call the i.c. and verify this, he said he would call me back tomorrow, I hope he does, but I doubt he will, I'm sure days will go by before I hear from him. I was supposed to met with social security yesterday, only I got a letter on Friday that said, they would be closed on Monday, really it was a holiday and it took them to Friday to relive they would be closed? They wanted me to go in today to met with my case file worker, at the same time I had to be at the deposition. I left a message with them on Friday and today when I got home from the deposition, of course they did not call back, and the number listed on the contact info on the letter had a number that is no longer in service number, so I had to call an 800 number. I'm sure I'll get a letter tomorrow saying "where were you, and because you didn't come in we will decide your case" for you type letter. This makes me beyond crazy. Then to top off my afternoon, I saw the surgeon who did my hernia surgery in June. The area has not gone down since I saw her 8 weeks ago. Because it's trickier to just stick a needle in me and drain some fluid, because of the blood thinners, we decided I would wear the binder for 3 more months and re-check it, then go through the needle procedure. Even after she drains the fluid I will have to wear the binder. I am sick of the binder! Why can nothing be simple for me?